Fading Away

Was in Ikea earlier to measure up the boxes to see whether a bed we want in baby’s room (small single, converts to a King. Wooo!) will actually fit in our car. There I was, measuring up the boxes, and I leaned forward with the tape measure. The Boy was with me, standing waiting nearby, good as gold.

I stood up straight and I suddenly got that feeling of tightness in my chest, my limbs started feeling like lead, and I realised that I needed to sit down. If I tell The Boy that “Mummy’s not feeling very well” he stays close by me, holds my hand, and is very, very good. I left the two things I had picked up to buy, and decided that I needed to sit down before I fell down.

Holding hands, wading through treacle, we made it to a nearby bench. I sipped some water and my vision started to fade – it’s like someone turns down the contrast and everything goes bright. I sat there, breathing willing myself to stay alert, and not give in.  The Boy sat there with me, holding my hand. I waited a while until I thought I would be ok, when I stood up. A few paces away – more treacle. Saw some garden furniture. Sat on it. It was really low to the floor so the action of sitting down so low meant my jeans were now taut across the bottom of the bump- a sure fire way to make me feel much worse. There wasn’t enough back support for me to lean back either, so I just had to sit there, having massive Braxton Hicks contractions, my vision going white with fireflies around the edges.

My ears then started ringing. The Boy, who had found a small stuffed rabbit from the children’s section abandoned by another child on that chair, sat next to me, cuddling me, helping me stay upright. I ran out of water. I looked at the time on my phone. I can’t tell you what time it was, but I know I remained like this for about 20 minutes. And The Boy stayed there with me. Talking to me, hugging me, kissing me, telling me I was “being very brave, Mummy”. I think I was managing to say a few words back, but I can’t remember.

It was one of the most scary things I have ever experienced. The consequences of fainting so far away from home, with a toddler, on my own, were, I believe, what actually stopped me giving in to sleep with the fireflies. Being responsible for a somewhat frightened toddler with his Mummy being ill made me stay conscious. I just couldn’t be sure he would be safe if I weren’t “there”. Having read the blog of an ambulance first responder about going to treat (and I’m paraphrasing heavily here) another bloody pregnant woman who’s fainted, there’s no way I wanted to become a statistic either!

After I had sat there for long enough, I went back a few places to see if I could find the bag of bits I abandoned. And I did! So I got them – moving very slowly indeed.

The Boy saved me today. He’s the reason for all this. If he hadn’t been the absolute best thing that I have ever done with my life, I wouldn’t be attempting to do it again. So thank you to my wonderful little 2.5 year old. You literally held me up in my time of need today.

You’re a superstar, and I love you.

TRP. x


About therubbishpregno

30-something Mum to a toddler. I am pregnant, and I am rubbish at it. My body doesn't seem to be able to cope with daily life as well as pregnancy, so I have had to put my life on hold while I grow another person...
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